Happy Halloween yankofreaks and yankochicks! You can watch the (not) interview here.
"Weird Al" Yankovic: "We're back with our special guest, Ozzy Osborne. Ozzy, thanks for coming. Well, uh, what do you think of the show so far?"
John "Ozzy" Osborne: "I've never heard anything so bizarre in my life, you know?"
(Al...does not care, and moves on to the basic celebrity-interview questions.)
Weird Al: "Sooo, how are things, how's the family?"
Ozzy, nonchalant (or maybe just too distraught to emote): "My kid went to see a movie tonight and got run over.
Weird Al: "("guy who's being nice but secretly wants to leave" voice) That's nice. (regular voice) Well, Ozzy, I just just wanted to tell you that I really loved you last album. You know, uh, I really loved your singing..."
(Al then seems to completely forget everything about making music. I think he's betwitched.)
Weird Al: "And, uh, that, um, guitar thing and, uh, um... (soft sigh) Do you know what they call that thing where y... Y-You hit it and it makes a loud noise and it... It keeps the beat?"
Ozzy: "Yeah, it's called a drum!"
Weird Al: "Oh... And how does it go?"
(Ozzy then mimes playing a drum...with a tambourine. "That's it.")
Weird Al, after contemplating this: "Thanks, Ozzy! Who would you say is your biggest musicial influence?"
Ozzy: "What's that black guy's name? (incoherent) I don't know... In that rap band, uh..."
Weird Al: "Wayne Newton?"
Ozzy: "Yes. Yeah-"
Weird Al: "Huh, interesting. (cue nonchalant topic switch) What'd you think about squatting down in a tub full of mayonnaise?"
Ozzy: "I love it!"
Weird Al: "Really? Why?"
Ozzy: "It's fun, you know...?"
Weird Al: "Have you ever bitten the head off a live poodle?"
Ozzy: "Eh!"
(Al...doesn't really seem to care about this. Yeah, this guy's definitely cursed.)
Weird Al: "Oh, what was that like?"
Ozzy: "It's just fun!"
Weird Al: "Have you eaten worms dipped in horseradish?"
Ozzy: "I'm- I'm- You know... It's- It's good, you know?" (This was the most coherent I could get this one, sorry.)
Weird Al: "Have you ever... (sniff) Oh, no! Oh, Ozzy, did you cut one?"
Ozzy: "Don't blame me!"
Weird Al: "Come on, it was you!"
Ozzy: "Not sayin' a word."
Weird Al: "They're only two of us here; it had to be you!"
Ozzy, the wishy-washy man he is: "It may be, it may not be, I don't know!"
Weird Al: "Listen, Ozzy, it's stuffy enough in this basement already without you stink bombs."
Ozzy: "I don't regret a...a thing that I've done, you know? I'm proud of... I'm proud of what I've done, you know?"
Weird Al, bitter: "Well, good for you. (suddenly way too excited about this) Hey... You wanna know what I have in my pants?"
Ozzy, starting to freak out: "I would- I don't wanna know!"
Weird Al: "Go on, ask me!"
Ozzy: "Don't even ask, I- I dont... I really don't want to know."
(Regardless, Al takes a bologna sandwich out of his pants. And we even get a close up view of it!)
Weird Al: "Look! It's my bologna sandwich! I've been looking for this for weeks! (he takes a bite out of it) Mpmh! Want some?"
(Ozzy just stares at him in disgust/confusion/anger. A reasonable reaction if I ever saw one.)
Weird Al: "Okay, nevermind. I don't know, Ozzy, I... I don't think this interview is going very well."
(Maybe an understatement. Maybe not.)
Ozzy: "Well, why don't... Tell me what you want me to say-"
Weird Al: "Okay. we can do that. Um, let's see. Say... "lipy lipey or pipy sinky"." (???)
Ozzy: "Lipy lipey or pipy sinky..."
Weird Al: "Now say "Hey ma, pass the hammysink!"."
Ozzy: "Now what the hell is "hammysink"?"
Weird Al: "Come on, you're not playing right. Okay, now go like this."
(Weird Al then sticks his tongue out, and Ozzy minics him.)
Weird Al: "Now, mumble something completely incoherent."
(And, what do you know, Ozzy mumbles something completely incoherent. Maybe they're having a wizard battle or something.)
Weird Al: "Great. ...Well, this is getting kinda old. Ozzy... (huff) Ozzy's kind of a stupid name, do you mind if call ya...Bob?"
(Ozzy just stares at him again, quizzically. Who'd blame him?)
Weird Al: "Never mind. Um, have you ever seen Ernest Goes to Camp?"
Ozzy: "That's a cool movie, mate."
Weird Al: "I could get a projector and show it on my butt!"
(I'm sure there are plenty of people who would want to see Ernest Goes to Camp projected onto renowned comedy musician Alfred Matthew "Weird Al" Yankovic's butt, but Ozzy probably isn't one of 'em.)
Ozzy: "I wanna see that."
(Never mind. Good for him! Too bad he doesn't get the chance, because...)
Weird Al: "Well, Ozzy, we're just about out of time, but...before you go, I- I have to ask you something. Have you had a chance to listen to my new album?"
Ozzy: "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!"
Weird Al: "Well? Wha- What'd you think?"
Ozzy: "It's- It- It's total bull[bleep]."
Weird Al: "OKAY! Well, thanks for dropping by, Ozzy, it's... It's been great. Don't bump your head on the way out there."
Come back home, won't you?